SIMPLE TRUTH #1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say,
"Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a
Cadillac than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember
you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman's husband!

LOL....nice....

You bet your sweet BIPPY!

Rand

lol

So you were there in those days huh Randiestman?

Another close to the bone laugh?

Aussie schools now.

Registry on the first day back at school in.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son al En” - silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
The teacher repeated the call.
A girl stood up and said, "Sorry, teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen."

Yeah I grew up on laugh in! My favorites were Artie Johnson as the dirty old man or the German behind the plant......Very Interesting!

The flower power painted female cast was a big hit also!

Randiestman

Sock it to me

One of the flower power girls was a young Goldie Hawn.

lol

Emailed that one to the wife good job

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a nicobate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, ‘I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

LOL......nice.......

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says "I just can't believe they f'kd my wife after only five beers".

Paddy's struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend says"hey paddy why don't ya get mick to help" paddy says" hes inside carrying the clothes"

ha ha ha

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

The Ambidextrous golfer







A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.


He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."


She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.


They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.


The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.

This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"


The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."


The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time in their life..
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout youse but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties before I get on that plane.'
'Why you gonna wear them for?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Coz, if that plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a cornfield, they gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm gonna wear some fluro orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear them?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if this bloody plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the sea, they can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.....'
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'That's right mate, you heards me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, 'coz if any plane goes down they always look for the black box first!

Somebody just emailed this to me. Lmfao!!

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/wes ... ice-report

that's messed up
at least she broke an new record if you can call it that

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

First day of school for this preschooler girl,the teacher asks, What is your name little girl, she answers "Happy Butt". Teacher says, hmm I don't think so, go home and come back tomorrow with your correct name little girl. Little girl comes to school next day and answers "Happy Butt", teacher sends her home again, little girl comes to school the next day proclaiming... I know my name! I know my name! Teacher says ok great what is it then. The little girs says "Gladys"!!!

We have an upcoming election Downunder soon,this is very ap!:

Old Butch

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this coming election, the bells are not always audible.

> Subject: MEXICAN MAID
>
> > The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
>
> The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the
> raise.
>
> She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
>
> Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
> The first is that I iron better than you.
>
> Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
>
> Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
>
> Wife: “Oh yeah?”
>
> Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
>
> Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
>
> Maria: “Jor hozban did”
>
> Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
>
> Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
>
> Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband
> say that as well?”
>
> Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
>
> Wife: “So how much do you want?”

Excellent!! Lol