A man gets a tatoo on his schlong that says "I Love You". He shows it to his wife, wife says "Stop trying to put words in my mouth"!!

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"






Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man.

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life,” St. Peter informed him.

“Where’s Obama’s clock?”

“His clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cartons of my favourite beer, cheap at the local bottle o.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?























About 4 drinks.

Rory died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.
Mick arrived first,and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said,"yup,his face is burnt pretty bad, you better roll him over" and Mick said,"nope it ain't Rory".
The mortician thought this was rather strange so he brought Paddy into confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said," yup he's pretty well burnt up, you better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said," no it ain't Rory".
The mortician asked, how can you tell?
Paddy said,well"Rory has two arseholes".
"What?he has two arseholes"? asked the mortician.
"Yup we never seen em,but everybody used to say there's Rory with them two arseholes".

lol

This one gave me NEARLY as good a feeling as gettin't my first Pilot!
No more cigars for you Monica!


BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure 20 lengthy and costly appeal processes, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART....

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

*ONLY IN AMERICA ....*

Did you know?

4 out of 3 people struggle with math?

If 4 out of 5 dentists recommend "Crest" toothpaste.........

What does the 5th dentist recommend?

What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.

Aussie version of Kiwi Haka!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVlGDa5mx28

One day,a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.He calls up the vet friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.
The vet took one look at the cow,stuck a tube up the cow's butt,and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later,the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again,but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself.
So he called his hired hand over,and together they put a tube up the cow's butt.The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow.
Strangely,nothing happened,so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.
The hired hand removed the tube,turned it around,put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?"asked the farmer,horrified.
"Well,I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
“Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.
“Oh, I still love him,” the chick replied. “But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it.”
“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!

Elderly foreplay
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,
lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally
naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heaven’s sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole."

COLIN THE ABORIGINE

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters from the BBQ and flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
The balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
Jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all
kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the
tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere..
Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
how about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks.... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something..
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
Options?

Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said, I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

few for the pile...

And one for Baz!

Nice one Gaz...Totally ROOt'd!

Its been a very long time ago...but know this feeling

more...

Gaz your a shocker!

Came across this today! LMFAO

I need to print this one out and frame it hang on the wall in living room for all to see

Ya, loved that one Hoser.