the world would be knackered without blondes imo.........Three Canadian women go down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them canremember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Western Ontario School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated from Queens University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

What do you call a blonde standing on her head?


A brunette with really bad breath..!

Blonde-"Doctor, doctor,everywhere I touch myself hurts sooo much!

Doctor-"You have a broken finger!"

lol damm

A man goes to a golf pro for some advice on his grip. "Well, what
should I do?" asked the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied,
"just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he took a
swing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The
ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his
lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson. The next day, the
wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no,
no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club
gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood." The wife listened
carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball
skipped down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was a lot
better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your
mouth and hold it in your hands."

An Arab, an Afghan


And an Australian Sheila

Are in the same bar.

When the Afghan finishes his beer,

He throws his glass

In the air,
Pulls out

His pistol,
And
Shoots the glass
To pieces.

He says, 'In Afghanistan ,

Our glasses are so

Cheap we don't need

To drink with the
Same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously

Impressed by this,

Drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a Muslim!),

Throws it into the

Air, pulls out his

AK-47, and shoots

The glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the

Arab World, we have

So much sand to make

Glasses that we don't

Need to drink with

The same one twice either.'

The Aussie Sheila
Cool as a cucumber,

Picks up her brandy & coke,

Downs it in one gulp,

Throws the glass into

The air, whips out her

45, and shoots the

Afghan and

The Arab.

Catching her glass,

Setting it on the bar, and calling
For a refill,

She says,
'In Australia


We have so many

Illegal immigrants that

We don't have to

Drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless Australia !!

Hoser,lately you have accused me of being a dumb ass,downunder,hick billy...I resemble that remark!
I have had a funtastic,upbringing Downunder,would never change a thing.
So here I share my .....

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. "Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

Ha Ha, knickers.....

Just for you stixy...KNICKERS KNICKERS KNICKERS

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy young lads pulls up alongside.
"Oi, get your tits out you penguins!" shouts one of the lads.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,
"I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross"..
So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,
"F$#k off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!
"There, was that cross enough Mother Superior ? "

Some animals are more equal than others. A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mudhole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

n Indian, a Black, a Muslim and an Aussie were walking together on an Aussie beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece.

" Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our
homeland." Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back to our homeland!" It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people way from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."

It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Aussie, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off

He said, "Just give me a beer. It doesn't get any better than this!"

The wife said to me the other night, "why don't we make love like they do in the movies?". So I threw her on the table, slapped each ass cheek at least a dozen times, grabbed her hair so she could watch me jackhammer her from behind, then I came in her face. Turns out we don't watch the same movies!

I made some binoculars out of spaghetti hoops

In Heinz sight it wasn't the best idea.

I have had such a hard day
I have been everywhere trying to buy my wife a Christmas present.
After much searching I bought her a new false leg.

It's not her main present, but it's a great stocking filler!

TWO PRAWNS

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea ,
two prawns were swimming around.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed
and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't
have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said,
'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away,
afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found
life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away
whenever he came close to them.

Justin began to realize that his new menacing
appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the
mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps
the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back,
and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam
back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he
couldn't see his old pal.'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed
sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the
mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin,
your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me.
You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not.
That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
.
.
.

(You're going to love this................................)

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian'

LMFAO!...Save my pussey! ...Luv yu lon time!
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=579610678788073" ."..

I'm speechless!

Randiestman

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?

We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?

Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."

That one got me chuckling out loud.....Ham Bush.....that's funny shit!

Rand

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River . He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4:00 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two postage stamps.

LMAO!

Did you know
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Car Air Conditioner...

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.



Control yourself !!!

Hee Hee......nice....