Funny,IF NOT true!:

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 back from the ATO. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 2 million illegal immigrants; 1 million crack heads;

2 million unemployed people on the dole,

25,000 people in over 123 prisons, 26,000 boat people,

535 persons in the Aust Parliament and Senate."

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

This is the funniest shit I have read in a long time.
http://www.thefederalistpapers.org/us/s ... in-arizona



What funny and ironic is in 1986 the Republicants REFORMED immigration Reagan gave then illegals amnesty and let like 3 million stay, THEN their was GW bush who was governor of Texass and DID NOTHING about immigration whilst he was running that state then he was PRESIDENT for 8 years and you guessed it done nothing about illegals, Arizona has been run by Republicants for HOW MANY YEARS now?

Now you have Republicans brother fuking other Republicans by loading them up in busses and shipping them off to another state and dumping them LMAO!!!!

WHEN are they going to simply enforce CURRENT immigration laws?

WHY are the Republicans still doing everything out of reaction?

All Republicans ever do is play victims they are never proactive this is just another example of them holding their breath until they turn blue then stamping their feet complaining how they are victims of everybody else, the whole RIGHT WING owns the whole immigration problem were faced with TODAY had they properly administered the immigration reform of 1986 and properly managed it they would NOT be faced with this problem today.

When will the Republican party be held accountable for their mistakes when will they "fire" someone for NOT DOING THEIR JOBS ?

How come we don't see that current Texass gov mutt Rick Perry on TV 7 days a week demanding someone do something about all the illegals crossing his border illegally into this country?

Funny shit!

Don't ever,ever laugh while I'm singing...

Watch for the Vegemite section,halfway thru.
Rand you need to man up like Teddy and get some into ya!




Anybody else love vegemite?

Yeah Baz.....

I took a bite of Vegemite right out of the jar and had the same reaction as the NASCAR guys!

Bitter and Salty! Might not have been as bad if I had it with bread and butter!

Rand

Crikey RandiestMan,...right outa the jar? WTF?
Even Dundee woulda thought twice bout that one? THAT'S not a taste....THIS is a Taste!!! AAaarrgghh!!!

Right outa the jar is like a Male virgin tryin' to run around and rape a bunch of busty,slim women in one fowl swoop...and ONLY catchin' ALL the FUGLY ones !!!
All that work and expectation for NADA!

sorry for the long post but this is funny sh!t right here:
Angry Fish Tank Guy

Posted at: 2013-06-10 13:08:26 | 1650 comments | Add Comment



Original ad:
55 gallon tank great condition.no scratches. comes with filter. $125. 484-***-****. CALL ME ONLY - NO EMAILS. 484-***-****


From Me to Felix *********:

Hey,

That fish tank is beautiful. I must have it! Is it still for sale?

Mike

From Felix ********* to Me:

CALL THE NUMBER

From Me to Felix *********:

What number?

From Felix ********* to Me:

484-***-****

From Me to Felix *********:

I just called that number and nobody answered.

From Felix ********* to Me:

i never heard it ring. call again and leave a message if no answer.

From Me to Felix *********:

I just called again. Nobody picked up so I went to leave you a message, but it said your voicemail was full.

From Felix ********* to Me:

my voicemail isnt full the phone never rang. are you calling the right number? 484-***-****

From Me to Felix *********:

I just called the number again and I got a fax machine noise. Is there a trick to dialing your number?

From Felix ********* to Me:

what trick??? its a phone number you just dial it!

From Me to Felix *********:

Are you sure you didn't give me the number to a fax machine? Would you rather communicate through fax? That would actually be easier for me.

From Felix ********* to Me:

NO!

From Me to Felix *********:

I wasn't sure what to do, so I sent you a fax. Did you get it?

From Felix ********* to Me:

don't SEND ME A FAX

From Felix ********* to Me:

STOP SENDING ME FAXES

From Felix ********* to Me:

SERIOUSLY STOP TRYOING TO SEND FAX! IT WONT WORK BECAUSE ITS A CELL PHONE!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

Can't you just set your cell phone to fax machine mode?

From Felix ********* to Me:

what the hell is fax machine mode? cell phones don't have that!

From Felix ********* to Me:

OMG dude ENOUGH WITH THE FAXES!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

Sorry, I set the fax machine to try sending the fax every fifteen minutes until it goes through. It was the office fax machine and I already left for the weekend. Can this wait until Monday?

From Felix ********* to Me:

NO IT CANT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY ARE YOU ((Bad Word)) KIDDING ME

From Felix ********* to Me:

GO BACK TO YOUR OFFICE AND CANCEL IT RIGHT NOW

From Me to Felix *********:

My apologies, I can't go back. I'm at the airport and my flight to Vancouver leaves in an hour and a half. I'll cancel the fax on Monday when I get back.

From Felix ********* to Me:

HEY! NO! ((Bad Word)) THAT YOU BETTER FIND A WAY AND CANCEL THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!!! CALL SOMEBODY AT THE OFFICE MAKE THEM DO IT I'M ((Bad Word)) SERIOUS

From Me to Felix *********:

Nobody is at the office, it is 6:30! Actually, you know what? The janitor might be there. We are pretty good friends. Do you want me to contact him?

From Felix ********* to Me:

YES

From Me to Felix *********:

Okay, I gave him your info. He's going to call you shortly. I'm on the plane now and they are making us turn our cell phones off for takeoff. Good luck!

From Felix ********* to Me:

don't HAVE HIM CALL ME YOU IDIOT JUST HAVE HIM CANCEL THE FAX

From Me to Felix *********:

This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:

I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?

From Felix ********* to Me:

GOD DAMMIT

From Me to Felix *********:

This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:

I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?

===================================

I made another email account as Dave the Janitor...

===================================

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Hi there! Is this Felix? Mike told me to contact you about buying a fish tank. I'm Dave, the janitor at Mike's office. I tried calling the number he gave me but it sounded like a fax machine or something, so I am emailing you instead.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

yeah hi dave here's the situation. mike has no idea how phones work and tried to send a fax to my phone using the fax machine at his office. now my phone is getting a call from the fax machine every 15 minutes. he said you can cancel the fax?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Mike didn't mention anything about a fax machine to me. He told me to buy a fish tank from you and he'd get it from me on Monday.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

oh jesus christ...no... he was supposed to tell you to cancel the fax that keeps calling my phone. are you at his office? can you stop the fax?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

So you aren't selling the fish tank?

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

look forget the fish tank just stop the fax machine, PLEASE!!

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Why are you so worried about this fax machine? Can't you just turn your cell phone to fax mode?

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

that isnt a thing! look im done screwing around here. just stop the fax machine, ok?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Tell you what, I'll cancel the fax machine if you drop the price on the fish tank to $75.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

look im in no mood to haggle with a janitor over a ((Bad Word)) fish tank.

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Excuse me? "with a janitor?" What is that supposed to mean? What if I had a fancy rich person job as an investment banker? Would you haggle with me then? I don't like your condescending tone, buddy. I know being a janitor isn't the most desirable job, but I gotta put food on the table for my kids somehow! Sorry I'm not an astronaut with a degree in brain surgery! You're in no mood to argue with a janitor? Well guess what? I am in no mood to turn off fax machines for a rude, snobby, patronizing fish tank owner!

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

i didnt mean to insult you. i like janitors. im sorry! can you please just turn off the fax machine!

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Fine. But I am telling Mike what you said to me and I don't think he will want to buy a fish tank from you after that. Are you this rude to your fish? Oh I'm Felix! Sorry, I'm in no mood to feed a goldfish! Maybe if you were a $500 Blueface Angel fish I would feed you.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

......are you done?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Yes, I stopped the fax. Sorry it took me so long to figure out how to cancel it. I'm just a janitor. What do I know about fax machines? I don't have a fancy degree in fax machine engineering.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

yeah yeah.... that's enough. thanks bye


===================================

A few days later, from my original email account...

===================================

From Me to Felix *********:

Felix,

I just got back from Canada to find out you were belittling my janitor? Dave is one of the best janitors I have ever had the pleasure of working with, so you better watch your mouth. You think you are better than him or something? Big words coming from a guy who doesn't even own a fax machine. You can forget about me buying your fish tank!

Mike

From Felix ********* to Me:

good because im not selling anything to a stupid ((Bad Word)) who cant even figure out how to dial a phone number!!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

Please, stop harassing me and Dave. You've done enough. Leave us alone.

From Felix ********* to Me:

oh im harassing YOU? the dumbass who sets a fax to send me every 15 minutes and then LEAVES THE ((Bad Word)) COUNTRY? you know how many times that fax machine called me you stupid piece of shit you have the nerve to say IM harassing YOU? go ((Bad Word)) yourself you ((Bad Word)) fuckhead!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:

Hola! I will be on vacation in Mexico until Monday, June 17th and will not be checking my email until I return. Adios, amigos!

this and more of the same.
http://www.dontevenreply.com/

Phishing for a laugh...I love it!

That reminds me of what me and hairy mates used to do when we were kids.
We'd go down to the local phone box(no mobiles yet,only (Dick Tracey phone,and MUBBLES)
Ring up anyone outa the ph book and ask this:

Hello can I speak to Johnny Walls please?
Sorry,no John Walls here.
Ok can I speak to Steven walls then?
Nope no Steven Walls here either!
Are there any Walls there then?
Nope no walls at all!
THEN what's holding up ya F'n ceiling then?

sounds like you were a regular Bart Simpson! do you have the Simpsons down there?
we would call the bowling alley,
do you have 16 pound balls?
yes
how do you walk!
or something like that

Yes on the Simpsons,and most other USA stuff too.
I must admit tho,have never watched the Simpsons,the kids used to beg me to watch it when it first came out.
But I guess it was my way to rebel back against THEM by saying "Nah" Not interested?
Back in the day(last century) MOST of the TV content was British over USA.
Now it's def USA over British,has been for a while.

Another phone prank we used to do:

Ring another random number.

Hello,can I leave a message for Baz please?
Nope,no Baz here,you must have the wrong number.
Do this several times to same person over a period of time.
Then.
Hi this is Baz here,been any messages for me?

A man was dining
Alone in a fancy
Restaurant and
There was a
Gorgeous redhead
Sitting at the next
Table. He had been
Checking
Her out since he sat
Down, but lacked
The nerve to talk
With her.

Suddenly she
Sneezed, and her
Glass eye came
Flying out of its
Socket towards the
Man. He reflexively
Reached out,
Grabbed it out of
The air, and handed
It back.

'Oh my, I am so
Sorry,' the woman
Said, as she popped
Her eye back in
Place. 'Let me buy
Your dinner to make
It up to you.'

They enjoyed a
Wonderful dinner
Together, and
Afterwards they
Went to the theatre
Followed by drinks.
They talked, they
Laughed, she shared
Her deepest dreams
And he shared his.
She listened to him
With interest.

After paying for
Everything, she
Asked him if he
Would like to come
To her place for a
Nightcap and stay
For breakfast. They
Had a wonderful,
Wonderful time.

The next morning,
She cooked a
Gourmet meal with
All the trimmings.
The guy was
Amazed. Everything
Had been so
Incredible!

'You know,' he said,
'you are the perfect
Woman. Are you
This nice to every
Guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. ......

She said ...... .......


'You just happened
To catch my eye.'

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her KNICKERS off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'

While making breakfast was watching TV first commercial was "Come in for our sign and drive weekend sale" next commercial "Good credit, bad credit, no credit, no problem"

How soon they forget.

The great build up for the next economy crash, enticing people to spend more money they don't have on one of the biggest spending the money they don't have, DEBT BUILDING weekends, retailers are dumping all their over priced inventories on the suckers with no money and no credit so they can make room for the over priced inventories of 2015.

Funny shit, will be PRICELESS when I watch millions losing all their shit in the future just like it was PRICELESS watching 450k people a WEEK losing their homes after the too big to fail thing in 2008, in a month they will be back slapping and high fiveing when the sucker success numbers come in

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Ever wondered who's more loyal,dog or ya wife?
Here's the ultimate test.
On a hot day lock up ya dog and the wife in the boot of ya car,in full sun of course.
Leave for about an hour,then let them out and see who's the happiest to see ya?

Mick asks Paddy.

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

Paddy rubs his chin while lookin' skywards...Ah Ha!!! Got it Mick!
"They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question,----which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a
very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know,
I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are.

No wonder you're so serious.
You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where
she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against
his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch,
"I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER



DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT



THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE



GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY :

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY



ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

I'M A DOT IN PLACE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FINALLY….

FOR THE GRAND FINALE:



*PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

When you rearrange the letters:

"An Arab Backed Imposter”

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his
favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and,
after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her
senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused
for a second, frowned, and replied, "No"
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and
softly says, "No. Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied.
Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he
barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and
ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked
again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
"No, I'm Norwegian."

Always funny....