A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

LMAO!

Tom

ROTFLMAO

good one
SO what was his third WISH

SpeedChaser

I dare you not to laugh out loud!


Killer Chili

I went grocery shopping recently while not
being altogether sure that course of action
was a wise one. You see, the previous evening
I had prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'you're definitely
going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff,
albeit hot to the point of being painful,
which comes with a written guarantee from me
that if you eat it, the next day both of your
butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that
morning, and even after two cups of coffee
(and all of you know what I mean) nothing
happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite
habanera peppers swimming their way through
my intestinal tract, I was unable to create
the usual morning symphony referred to by my
next door neighbors as 'thunder and
lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come,
yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off
for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery
store that I often haunt in search of tasty
tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed
normal. I selected a cart and began pushing
it about dropping items in for purchase. It
wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the
store from the restrooms that the pain hit
me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what
I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh,
Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit
us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain
was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night
before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush
for freedom they bullied their way through
the small intestines, forcing their way into
the large intestines, and before I could take
one step in the direction of the restrooms
which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking
aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud
the likes of which has never before been
recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that
more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to
leave the lower part of my body, and I began
to move up the aisle and out of it, just as
an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I
stopped to see what her reaction would be to
the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what
I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.
I simply watched as she walked into an
invisible, and apparently indestructible,
wall of odor so terrible that all she could
do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her
arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG
mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard
to keep things 'clamped down', if you know
what I mean. With each new guffaw an
explosive issue burst forth from my nether
region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles
had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing
the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It'
was coming, and I raced off through the store
towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud
the whole way, praying that I'd make it
before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time
I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh
my God', floating above the toilet seat
because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock
and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and
disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then
quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired
my partially filled cart intending to carry
on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want
to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the
store. The manager is going to run the vent
fans on high for a minute or two which ought
to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing
residual gases to escape me. The employee
took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt
up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in
an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then
ran off returning moments later with the
manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from
the premises and asked none too kindly not to
return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized
that there was nothing to eat but leftover
chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next
day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't
say anymore about that because we are in
court over the whole matter. Bastards claim
they're going to have to repaint the
store..

I had a muslim woman knock on my door today.

I didn't answer it, I just peered through the letter box and shouted, "How do you ((Bad Word)) like it!!

LMAO

Any coal miners here? ...Baz

Try again.
Is it workin'???...Not for me!

Funny stuff Baz.

Both worked for me.

They still don't work for me here!
BUT!...Conversly,a great way to check on the Missus! What!

Two boys standing at the trough taking a wizz, when one looks over and says geez yours is a bit different to mine.
the other one says yeah I`ve been circumcised and you havent.

First one askes how did they do that?

boy says they get a scalpel and cut the skin and peel it back then trim it
all up nice and neat.
How old were you when they did that?

About 4 hours old he answers

That must of hurt.

Hurt.. I couldnt walk for 12 months

Pretty good stuff!

lmao

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me.'

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far arse kissing will take you.

A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 122%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its
the Bullshit and Arse kissing that will put you over the top.

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score for 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the Engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the Engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. “This equaled an A. After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I‘ve never seen done in my entire career.

ok that one made me laugh out loud.

Me too. Thanks for the laugh

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During
her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh My GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that
you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his
testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily
rupture.'

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

Again, speaking very calmly, the doctor stated, 'Same illness, better
health plan.'

last couple are good

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

A young hotshot lawyer went out and bought the fastest car in the world, the new SSC Ultimate Aero, for a cool $750,000. It was a nice day outside, so he took the car for it’s first drive on the street.

As he stops at a red light, an old man on a mobility scooter rodes off the sidewalk and pulls up next to him. The man on the scooter, who had to be at least 70 years old, leaned over at the driver’s side window and asked “Nice car there Sonny, what is it?”

“Why, this is the Ultimate Aero, the fastest car in the world. It has 1183 horsepower and can go 257 miles per hour!” exclaimed the cocky attorney. “And” he continued, “it cost 3/4 of a million dollars!”

“Wow,” replied the old man, “mind if I take a look inside?” he asked. “Of course not,” the lawyer said proudly.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back down on his mobility scooter, says, “That’s a pretty fancy sportscar, all right… but I’ll stick with my scooter!”

Just then, the light changes and the lawyer decides to show the old man with his car is all about. The car goes from 0-60mph in just 2.7 seconds and, before he realizes it he’s doing 220mph. Looking back, he notices a small dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

“What in the world could be possibly be going faster than my Aero?” the young lawyer asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot again… this time coming toward him. Whooooooossh! It flies by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the lawyer. “How could a moped outrun an Ultimate Aero?”

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror, but before he could react… Whooosh Ka-BbblaaaaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, completely demolishing the rear end. The young lawyer jumps out and, to his suprise, it’s the old man on the mobility scooter!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my God! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man groans and moans, finally he replies… “Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!”

Democrats.....

LMAO!!!!